Stalking vs. stocking

We discussed the need for spellcheck as well as a basic grammar check several posts ago. For those of you who didn’t believe me then, let me say again: People, it's necessary.

Reader: Why, do you have a recent example of its necessity?

Me: Boy, do I!

A lot of the candidates I intersect with in my position have worked retail in some form or fashion at one point in their lives. Many were cashiers. Some were cart pushers. Some customer service workers. Some stockers. And, periodically, some advertise ‘stalking’ as an integral part of their work history.

Now, in regard to spellcheck, yes, 'stalking' is spelled correctly. However, “stocking,” as in the act of replenishing the contents of shelving, is definitely not the same as “stalking.” Think: pursuing, spying, hiding in bushes, and scaring unsuspecting victims.

In fact, pro tip: if you were a stalker at one of your past jobs, that's just creepy, and I recommend you do not advertise that fact.

I was snickering to myself the other day after I pulled up a resume that broadcasted both cashiering and stalking as previous employment. Why the snicker? Because being a cashier is actually a great cover for stalking. If you need to card someone for a purchase, the unsuspecting party just gives you an ID. With an address. I mean, come on.

Mid-chortle, I decided to send the resume to two of my coworkers with a similar sense of humor to yours truly. To properly appreciate the context, understand that Coworker 2 was gone for the day and would not see the emails back and forth until the next day. Our email chain is as follows:

Me: [sends the resume with “cashiering” and “stalking”] This is concerning.

Coworker 1: [sends back a picture of the Night Stalker] This guy also did some stalking.

Me: Indeed. He also has exquisite cheekbones! I could totally see him dressed in drag.

Coworker 1: Yes, in a dress made of human skin.

Me: JFC (Jesus f****** Christ)

Coworker 1: "It puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again."

Me: [sends a picture of Precious, the small dog in Silence of the Lambs]

The next day, Coworker 2: Should I be concerned that the lotion bottle on my desk is empty?

I'm sure you're thinking 'what the h***?!' Yes, conversations like these happen far more often than probably should. It’s called graveyard humor. We may be a bit twisted, but it's cathartic and helps to alleviate the mind-numbing shock that is all Humanity can be. Cut us a little slack.

In all seriousness: Stalking is a crime, and its victims should be taken seriously. Not a joke.