FBI Backgrounds

I dislike people who act smarter than they actually are.

Which, I acknowledge, is a statement fraught with vagueness. Is someone acting smarter than he/she thinks he/she is because he/she reads too much into the idea that you should always be trying to better yourself? Kida kudos, then. Way to be a better person?

Or is that person acting smarter than he/she is because he/she has no idea what is actually happening in the room and is holding an entirely different conversation internally? Not kudos, but who am I to judge a person for being categorically incapable of keeping up? I suppose doing so makes me just plain mean.

Argh.

[Sidebar: I’m tired of “he/she” phrasing and will now use “they” for the rest of this post simply because it is less irritating to read, even if it is technically incorrect.]

I do feel fully equipped to judge someone who acts smarter than they are for no reason other than trying to one-up the person they are talking to. That’s called being a dick.

Let’s get into the example part of the post and examine which one of the above options a recent scenario fell under.

A guy applied for a school cook position with a resume proclaiming many years of cooking experience, from fast food to sit down restaurants to catering and banquet events. He even had a culinary degree. Why he was applying for a position in a school cafeteria was beyond me, but I did my job, completed a phone interview with him, and was unsurprised when he rejected the offered position, citing the pay rate was too low for his experience.

Well, yes, no argument there. It was. I noted his rejection in his file and moved on with my life.

He called a couple of weeks later looking to see if we had any updates on new positions. We replied no, and he asked if the school cook position was still available. Yes, the school district was always in need of cooks, so he said he'd take it and asked when he could start. My coworker gave him a brief rundown of the hiring process (paperwork, presenting I9 documentation, background check, etc.), and he got started on the first steps. He called back a few days after that and asked, again, when he could start. I pulled up his file and saw that his background check was still pending.

Me: It looks like your background check is still pending, so we won't be able to do anything until the results are available.

Background Guy (BG): Seriously? My background check will come back fine. I've passed FBI background checks for God's sake. I'm fine for a school.

Me: (skims over his resume to see for what job this FBI background check may have been required and sees nothing related to anything that would concern the FBI. Unless one of the McDonald's on his resume was located inside an FBI field office. G-men gotta eat, same as the rest of us, I guess. But, realistically, call it highly unlikely there is any background check on record at the FBI.) Well, sir, we're supposed to run the background check our client requires. If you're able to provide your background check results from the FBI, I would be more than happy to present it to our client to see if it meets their requirements.

BG: Oh, well, I don't actually have the results to give you. I'm just saying...

Me: Of course. In that case, we will need to wait until the results of this background check comes back before we can get you started.

I would like to point out a few issues with the idea that one can go grab an old background check and wave it at a new employer:

1. Just because someone was once not a criminal of some sort, doesn’t mean they still are not a criminal. Therefore, an old background check denotes exactly zero things useful to an employer.

2. Oh. Wait. Really, it’s that first one. Duh.

Let’s presume for a minute that he really had passed an FBI background check at some point. Does he think by bringing it up now, I would be wildly impressed, waive the current background check requirement, and let him know he could start work tomorrow? Does HE legitimately think this is a viable option? Did I come across as the kind of person who could be snowed in such a fashion? Was he just being a dick?

Oh, wait. I guess, in a similar fashion as my comment above: Yeah, probably that one. Duh.